As many of you know and have been celebrating with us, Micah and I are 1 year and a few days into this thing called marriage. It’s been a wonderful year and its hard to believe that it’s already been an entire year that we’ve been married. While I feel like this is the perfect time to share about all that God has taught me this year, today I’m going to go back a little further because I feel like I’m just now truly seeing the beauty of how God’s been working and it’s just too good not to share!
I feel like in today’s society, we spend a whole lot of time preparing for our wedding day. We thought about it as little girls, naturally, and then still as teenagers. For me, I thought I would meet the man I was supposed to marry in high school and we would wed shortly after graduation. Keep in mind, I am from a very small town where this is a reality for many and that’s all I’d known. My parents had been “going steady” since middle school and eloped on prom night. Yep. That’s a story for a different day! 🙂 In today’s society, we have the ability to plan our weddings in great depth thanks to the likes of Pinterest and all of the wedding photographers and bloggers that have kept us dreaming. And I was no different. I knew very early that one day Micah and I would get married and let’s just say my Pinterest boards were full of ideas for the perfect day!
And it was perfect. However, on November 1, 2013 – exactly one year before our wedding day, the Lord spoke to my heart and gave me some brutal truth. See, Micah and I had been together two years at this point and I did not understand why the timing was not right still for us to get married. I had peace that he was the man I would spend my life with but did not understand why God was still telling us to wait??? And as I sat there at the base of Spring Point Lighthouse in Portland, Maine, sipping my Dunkin Donuts coffee and writing in my journal about Maine and how much I love it there, the Lord spoke to me out of the clear blue and told me that I’m not ready for marriage. He didn’t say that Micah wasn’t ready for marriage (which, if I’m 100% honest, I always secretly placed the blame on his shoulders), He said that I was not ready for marriage?? But even deeper than that, He told me WHY I was not ready for marriage and that was not a conversation I was ready to have.
I mean, is it ever exciting to have the Lord show you step by step where you’re in the wrong? Hello……. not so much! But this conversation deep dove even more than that. See, God wasn’t giving me a list on that foggy Maine morning of reasons why I’m terrible and that’s why I’m not ready to be a wife… No. God spoke to me about my heart and how I had not allowed Him to come in and heal my brokenness. I had been leaning on others to comfort me instead of letting the Father come in and heal me. And that’s a day I’ll never forget.
Two years later, I’m still healing but the process has been so so sweet. It is not Micah’s job to comfort me on days when I’m in the desert (I’ll write more about that later!) it is my job to recognize my broken spirit and fall at the feet of Jesus. And that’s not easy for me to do. I’ve come to realize that I’m a Type A Control Freak and while some might see that as a strength, that does not make me strong – that makes me weak because it’s in those moments that I’m grasping control when I’m supposed to be letting go.
My prayer is that no matter where you are in your journey, that you’ll allow God to move in you and to heal you right where you are. We’re all broken and it’s when we recognize our brokenness that we can see the Lord’s hand bringing beauty from ashes. I’m going to leave you with a song that has been on repeat in my head for weeks and I hope it encourages your heart as it has mine.