It’s December 12. Two weeks away from Christmas. I’m sitting on my couch watching Hallmark movies with my dog. We’re wearing matching Christmas pajamas. The stockings are hung. The gifts have been purchased. It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
But somehow all I can think about are avocados. I have a long time love for them, sure, but it’s an odd thing to be thinking about. But an avocado is about the size of a 16 week fetus – the size our surprise baby would be if we hadn’t lost him/her two months ago.
We planned to tell you all this week. We’d send out our Christmas card with a photo of us and Bailey with some subtle announcement. We never intended to find out the gender because we are old school like that but our doctor would probably have a good idea of whether we would bring home a baby boy or a baby girl next Spring. This Christmas was supposed to be full of excitement but instead it feels lacking in it’s luster.
I have a stack of Christmas cards with names hand lettered and ready to be stamped. The photo has the word JOY written in a beautiful font instead of any sort of announcement. I’m having a hard time mailing these cards out. It just doesn’t feel right.
This isn’t the way we wanted to share this chapter of our lives. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if we would ever share it but I don’t know that I can be my authentic self when I feel like I’m hiding something that will be play such a big part of our story. And honestly, I feel like a big faker – and I’m not about that life.
So here’s the thing – I may not want to talk about it when you see me and if you’re too kind to me I’m liable to get all misty on you and feel the need to flee the scene. Don’t take it personal. I told Micah a few weeks ago that I’d much rather folks be a jerk to me instead of being so kind so that I didn’t cry so much but this is where we are.
We ask that you simply pray for us. Pray as the Lord heals our grieving hearts. Pray as we pick up the pieces and move forward with our lives. Pray that we continue to find joy even in the midst of sorrow.